SMUDGED-
"That girl’s song resounds in my head and as always I find that it is a reflection of how I feel in my heart. ‘Broken up deep inside. You won’t get to see the tears I cried.’ God I feel so – so torn. So absolutely, positively torn. I don’t know why You put me in his life but I know You did and I see it serving its purpose each day.
It hurts God. It hurts to see him pursue another, more pretty. I don’t even envy her. I know You made me beautiful and wonderful and very unique. I don’t know. I guess it hurts that no one sees that. That I am seeing it in myself, but nobody else does, or if they do then, well, they’re girls.
It hurts Father to see him pursue another when I feel as though I was the one who was there. But I always chose to make myself not seen. I worked in mysterious ways, moving the hearts of others to go talk to him when he was hurting. I didn’t care that he didn’t turn to me, though it hurt. What mattered more was that he hurt. And I was going to do whatever it took to get him to feel better. So if he wouldn’t talk to me then he’d talk to another. And he’d feel better and draw closer to that girl until he realized that she wasn’t the right fit. So he turned to another.
And there he is, pursuing girl after girl when he doesn’t realize that I can fit his need. That I have been the eye that saw him, that cared for him. That brought him to you in my intercession. Ever-interceding on his behalf. ‘Father, he just can’t see right now. He hasn’t totally rejected me yet, Father. Give him one more chance. He’s made the mistake to see me as just a casual friend but not as we are meant to be. I yearn for that deeper relationship, sure. But if all he sees me as is just a smudge, a faint reminder, then at least I’m present. At least I’m noticed.’ But I yearn for more.
And now I see how You feel. I get, Jesus, what You mean. Jesus, I know it hurts to see me pursue another when You were the One who was there. But You always chose to make Yourself not seen. You worked in mysterious ways, moving the hearts of others to go and talk to me when I was hurting. You didn’t care that I didn’t turn to You, though it hurt. What mattered more was that I hurt. And You were going to do whatever it took to get me to feel better. So if I wouldn’t talk to You, I’d talk to another. And I’d feel better and draw closer to that person until I realized he wasn’t the right fit. So I’d turned to another.
And here I am pursuing person after person when I don’t realize that only You can fit my need. That you have been the eye that saw me and cared for me. That You, Jesus, brought me to the Father in Your intercession. Ever-interceding on my behalf. ‘ “Father, she just doesn’t see Me right now. She hasn’t totally rejected Me yet, Father. Give her one more chance. She’s made the mistake of seeing Me just as a casual friend, but not as we were meant to be. I yearn for that deeper relationship, sure. But if all she sees Me as is just a smudge, a faint reminder, then at least I’m present. At least I’m noticed.” But I yearn for more.’
So what do I do Father? What choice do I make? Do I continue to smudge You, make You less and less distinct until You are so faded that I forget You’re there? Or do I choose to write a new chapter, this time in pen. And not blur the promise I’m making with You but keep it distinct, intact, TRUE! The choice is mine to make. I alone can make it. But should I do so, I will not be alone – no, I will never be alone.”
-Alisha Philip
I am not perfect. I have rejected him more times than I have accepted him. I've ignored him for weeks at a time. I've chosen others over him. I've ran to others first. I've stood by while people talk down on him and never said a word. I've searched for what I can only find in him in people who could never come close. I've let him down. The ways I have hurt him are endless. And guess what? At some point, I will do ALL of these things again.
But no matter the cost, the pain I cause him, his feelings for me don't change. His love IS enough to fill my need.
-Emily
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