I love post secret. Every Sunday afternoon, I go to their blog page and check out the new posts for the week. Some are hopeful, others funny, others artistic, some inappropriate, some sad, and some that you may find yourself relating to. Well anyway, here's one I found this week.
Man, I wish this could be my secret. But regarding my relationship with God, my secret (well not necessarily SECRET, but it's not something I would shout out proudly in a crowded room...) is that I doubt. A lot. I doubt his power, I doubt his love, I doubt my salvation, and yeah, even at times I find myself doubting his existence.
Have you ever read Exodus? I don't know, but if you're anything like me, the Israelites always made me mad. I mean... God showed up for them so many times. He turned the Nile into blood, sent frogs raining from the sky, swarmed Egypt with gnats, flies, and locusts, and caused the Egyptians to be covered in boils and for their livestock to die. He led the Israelites out of Egypt and lit their path with a pillar of fire. He parted the sea and crashed it down onto their enemies. He made water flow out of a rock and bread to fall from the sky. And yet, after everything, their impatience built up so they decided to worship a golden calf.
I never understood it. They're so stupid! How could they possibly have a doubt in their mind after all of that?! How could they even try to replace him?
But you know what I've realized? I'm just like them. How many times has he provided for me? Let me feel his prescence? Answered my prayers? Filled my heart up with so much joy and love that I almost burst? How could I have a doubt in my mind? And how could I try to replace him, with a relationship, with money, with any human success? I kind of have to laugh at myself... the stupid Israelite :)
It's hard when God is silent. I don't understand why he is right now for me, but it won't last forever. I trust his timing. I know I'm not the only one who feels or has felt this way. But for now, I will remember the times he led the way with a pillar of fire, have hope, and have faith. :)
-Emily
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