Today marks one month of being home. Exactly one month ago, I woke up in our little Holiday Inn in Atlanta at 6:10 AM, rolled out of bed, went downstairs and split a cinnamon roll with Jenny. Thus the start of some hard goodbyes, one bye one until I was sitting by myself in my terminal trying my best not to cry. Then hopping on the plane, my short little 2 hour flight full of nervous jitters, huddling up in my Africa smoke scented sweatshirt (still haven't washed it), and praying to God to help me with whatever I was going to encounter when I got home. The flight ends, I grab my sleeping bag and my purse and sling it over my shoulder. I walk bravely off the plane, but as I glance around my heart leaps up into my chest and I think it would be best if I took a bathroom break first before meeting whoever is meeting me. I walk into the bathroom and smile to myself because of AMERICAN TOILETS. Afterwards, I know it's time to get going, so I start walking and keep my eyes open for whoever is meeting me. I see two people running and then a split second later I recognize them as my friends Christina and Morgan. They are holding this huge sheet of construction paper:














Haha thank you Kristin. I see my Dad walking up and we all hug. It's a bit surreal. I'm home.


Except home isn't home anymore. I wish I could explain it to you and make you understand, but I can't. For the past four weeks, I've been constantly thinking about Uganda. Something will remind me of someone from my team, or something that happened and I'll gush about it to the first person that will listen. I've tried countless times to imitate Pastor Thomas, or to describe Faith's personality to someone, giving my very best African-English accent that I can and never doing it justice. Some mornings, I wake up and lie in bed and just think about the taste of chapati. And I just miss it. I miss living out my big ugly orange bag, I miss seeing my teammates faces every morning at breakfast. I miss living simply, eating the same thing every day, wearing the same clothes over and over. I miss living in our little community where we shared everything, clothes, toothpaste, shoes, hair ties, peanut butter, febreze. I miss the kids, always present, and always reaching out their hands to be held. Words aren't enough.

But the one thing that I miss more than anything from that month is dependency on God. God was in everything. When someone was sick, we prayed healing. When I had had it to the brim with crowing roosters, crying babies, mosquito bites, and the squatty potty, I would pray for that little extra boost of patience. When I was scared, I would open up my bible and verses would just pop out at me. God wasn't an option. He was my everything, and I needed him. In Uganda, I would constantly repeat this verse to myself:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Being home is hard because of this. It's harder than trusting God to come through for you. It's hard because it feels like God isn't the same here, even though he is. He is the same God that walked down the dirt roads with me, sat in the van with me as Faith's knees were poking into my back, comforted me on the first night of training camp when I felt more alone than ever with this group of strangers, watched me wake up in the morning to the various sounds of Bugiri, who held my hand as I walked through the hospital wards. He's still that God. But in America, when I'm surrounded with comfort, it's like I don't experience God that way anymore. And that's what makes it hard. Because I don't want God to become just an option for me, I want him to be my everything, to be constantly dependent on him in every situation he throws my way. So I'm going to keep that verse on repeat in my head. God, give me joy even though a lot of the time I don't feel like being here. Help me to be in a constant state of prayer, and thank you for bringing me home because I know this is where you want me and where I need to be now.

Being in Africa, yes, it definitely was hard. But coming home was much harder than anything I experienced there.



-Emily

I know I've been long due for a blog post, but I've been struggling to find words for what I want to say since I've gotten home. There's just too much, and one of the first things I discovered the day I got back was that no one will ever be able to fully understand my experiences. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of good and bad experiences, sleepless nights, a lot of time spent thinking, stress, culture shock, processing.

So, I've found that most people who I've talked to about my trip have asked a lot of the same questions. So much so, that I've even started to have a sort of robotic, memorized, planned out answer for them when they ask :) I decided that I should just answer them here. So... here we go, my FAQ's. :)


What did you do over there?

We did three main types of ministry. School, street evangelism, and hospital ministry.

School ministry: We went to so many different schools I can't remember all of them. But we would go, and split us up into groups and split the kids up, then spend some time playing games with them, singing songs, and just hanging out. After we would tell a bible story in the large group.

Street evangelism: Usually during the afternoons we would go out into the community, and attempt to build relationships with people nearby us. We would talk and pray with them.

Hospital ministry: Once a week, we would go to the hospital in Bugiri and pray for the people staying there. This was probably the hardest ministry for everyone, simply because there was so much hurt surrounding us.

Where did you stay?

you're about to get the grand tour. (sorry that the video is flipped the majority of this. hahaha)




What was the weirdest thing you had to eat?

<--- This is called Ugali. It's made of (if I'm right) cassava, flour, and water? Well anyway, it has the weirdest consistency, it's stretchy/squishy, and has no taste. It's like a giant booger.

Did you have running water?

Nope!


Did you see lions/giraffes/elephants?

No, but we did get to feed wild baboons bananas.


Did you get sick?

No, I was one of the few that didn't. Over half of my team got sick while we were there, and it was a lot of stress and struggle for us but it only drew us closer together.


What did you learn?

When I was in Africa, nothing really jumped out at me and said "I'm learning this", in fact I remember on the plane ride home not really feeling like I had not learned much at all. But, after arriving home, I feel like that's when the learning started. I'm still learning, and right now I can't really give you a bullet point list of main things I've discovered, but I'm planning on writing about some things later on on here.



And that pretty much sums it up :).


I also wanted to take some time to say thank you to everyone who has supported me, whether that be through sending in money for me or praying for me before I left and while I was gone. None of this could have happened without you, and I want to thank you for giving me one of the best months of my life.


-Emily

Here I am. Wanting to blog so badly, but not knowing what to say. Not knowing where to start, and knowing that no matter what I say, it could NEVER accurately portray what I want. But here goes.

How can I describe the last 4 and a half days of my life? Numb. Empty. Lonely. Longing. But also knowing that I'm blessed (more on that later). It's been much harder than I expected, coming home. In fact, it's nothing like I expected. And not only that, I'll take it a step further. My entire trip was nothing like I expected it to be. I don't really remember what I expected, but, I know it was nothing like I imagined. It was better (and God always has a funny way of doing that to me, making things better in ways that my measly little brain couldn't ever begin to dream up). So, while I can't tell you what I did expect, I can definitely tell you what I didn't expect.

I didn't expect that over the four weeks I was gone so many people were going to crawl into my heart, get cozy and set up house there. My team members, my leaders. All the kids who waited outside our house every day for us to get home from ministry and play with them and hold them. Our contacts. Our translators. Mucasa, Henry, Dennis. Tiba. Linda. Faith, Zam, Grace. Silvia. Samuel, Isaac/Baboon/Rafiki, Precious. Iddi. David. And yes... even Pastor Thomas. I figured I'd go, play with some kids, hold some babies, have a fulfilling experience, but be able to come home without it causing much heartache. That I would be able to leave it all behind and come back to my life and pick up where things left off. Instead, I'm finding that it's shaking up my world. I'm finding that I can't believe I ever felt truly happy and satisfied in my life back at home. I'm finding myself finally understanding what you always hear missionaries saying when they get home about comfort and America. And what they're saying, isn't just about pantries full of food, cars with heated seats, clean running water, and air conditioning. I understand now that's it's far more than that, beyond material possessions. It's a matter of the heart. It's that I see people around me, lulled to sleep. It's like everyone's just wandering around, caught up in what movie they're going to watch next, or who they're going to hang out with today, or what people think about their face, or whatever, and it's like people have lost touch with "what's really important". Because they really have. And I know this all sounds cheesy and cliche, but I see it. I see distance between the closest of friends; still holding back and hiding secrets because they fear judgment. Families who don't talk with each other about important things because they don't want it to be awkward. And it's awful you know? All the walls that people build up, when we could be experiencing something so much better. To have people that know you inside and out, accept you, support you, love you, pray for you, hold your hair while you puke. We could all really be experiencing the body of Christ. We're not meant to go it alone, and yet we try so hard to (I know I have). In Africa, I was surrounded by the body of Christ. I knew if I needed prayer, all I had to do was ask. If I was frustrated I could just let it out. If I woke up in the night and got scared, I could go cuddle with Jenny. And whenever I needed a bathroom buddy to brave the cockroach infested squatty potties at night with, there never failed to be someone to go with me. I've never experienced community like that, and now that I'm home there's no other option but to continue to love deeply like that (hey friends... come cuddle).

A little over a week ago, I was in my room in Uganda, writing a crave list with Jenny of everything we wanted when we got home. Some examples: Watching The Ringer, pancakes, having sleepovers with my friends, my toilet, sleeping in, being by myself, having a door to my room that doesn't fly open every five seconds, cheese, fast internet, getting all the shampoo out of my hair when I wash it, no listening to babies cry at night, clean feet, and tank tops. The next day we got up in the morning (last Wednesday), and had some of the longest, drawn out goodbyes ever with all our African friends, and we started to realize how much this was going to hurt. By Thursday night, we were sitting in a Holiday Inn in Atlanta, talking about the trip, remembering stories, encouraging each other, and reality was setting in. We were going home, and this was ending. And the next morning, we all ate our last breakfast together, and I hugged what I consider some of my best friends goodbye, and it was truly heartbreaking.

And now, here I am at home. Eating captain crunch, and watching That 70's Show. And I'm looking back at my crave list, and it's all so insignificant now. I could care less about those things, because now all I'm craving is Africa. I miss those conditions, that were deemed so uncomfortable and unlikeable more than anything now. The squatty potty, in all it's glory, because I look back and remember how much the team and I bonded because of that dang thing. The roosters/crying babies/Pastor Thomas banging on the door in the morning waking me up because it always gave me a chance to ask God for some patience in my frustration. Not worrying about makeup, because I knew that the people I was with loved me as is. How tired I would be in between morning and afternoon ministry, because it made me look to God for my strength. Having worship, not because it was required, but because we desperately needed it and wanted it. Eating rice, macaron, chapati, and fruit everyday, because when we got pop, ice cream, or even the occasional glucose biscuits, it was a gift from God.

And now I am home. I miss Africa. I miss it a lot, I can't stop thinking about it, my heart longs for it and longs for the month I just lived. But this is where God wants me now, and I accept it. He's already teaching me so much, just by being home. I'm willing to learn.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned knowing that I'm blessed. I am SO blessed. I'm so blessed, to have a God who tests me. Who directs me to Africa, directs me to an organization. Who doesn't provide all the support money for me right away, but requires that I trust him first and give him control; then gives me more than enough two weeks before I leave. Who sends me across the world with a bunch of strangers who became my best friends. Who gives me challenges that I can't handle so that I learn to rely on him. Who teaches me how to love deeply, live freely, and learn what it means to be fully ALIVE. Who gives me some of the most beautiful memories and friendships. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am blessed. And that is what has gotten me through the last four days.




-Emily

Just 25 days.

The time that has passed has been short, but the people I've met and the things I've seen will be engraved on my heart for a life time.

There's not much else to say. I love and miss everyone and home so much. I can't wait to see you.

And I'm coming home changed :)


-Emily

So, I know I didn't really post anything during the weeks upcoming to my trip but...


I'M HERE! As I am typing right now, I am in an internet cafe on a dinosaur computer, checking up on my facebook and trying to get my thoughts together for a post. I guess I will just start from the beginning.

On June 16th, I hopped on a plane and flew out to Atlanta for training camp. Training camp included (but was not limited to), interpretive dancing, smores, surrending to God, discovering our true identities, seeing a black widow spider, learning a drama as an evangelistic tool, 13 other girls and I sharing a big bowl of ice cream, dancing in a thunderstorm, and bonding with my team. On June 20th, we left for America and after about 38 hours of flight we arrived at the Entebbe airport in Uganda. After that was a three hour bus ride in the dark to Bugiri. Now, mind you that we had had minimal sleep over this time, but we were still greeted at 3:30 in the morning with tea and a meal. Finally at around 4:30 we got to crash, not even knowing what the building we were staying in or Bugiri really looked like.

So today is my 6th day in Africa and I'll try my best to sum things up:

-Ministry has been a little rocky at the start, but we are enjoying it. We have visited a hospital in Bugiri twice to pray for people in the wards. I wish I could portray to you the things that I have seen but my words cannot do it justice. Yesterday I saw a woman giving birth on a garbage bag, a baby suffering from diarrhea, and a 4 year old with a large hernia on his stomach. There is so much you would never see in the states (which I expected) but it never truly impacts you until it's living and breathing and staring into your eyes.
-Besides hospital ministry, we have been going to schools and have been doing some street evangelism.
-Cows, chickens, and goats lounging around are a common sight on the street.
-We have drawn a crowd of about 100 children who wait outside our house every morning for us to come out. The kids will follow us everywhere.
- I'm pretty sure I've been called a munzugu about 8782375285783 times.
-One of my teammates, Molly, killed our dinner (chicken) the other night, African style (you grab the neck and swing it around in circles till it's neck breaks)
-I love the girls on my team a little more every day and I couldn't ask for better people to be with. They are hilarious, compassionate, beautiful, and strong.
-I really miss my toilet...
-The African night sky is beautiful!
-I am healthy!
-Every night, we have tea around 7, and then actual dinner around 10.
-I have about 349578380 mosquito bites.
-I like it here. :)

Well... that's about all for now! We should be able to visit the internet cafe about twice a week so expect more hopefully... :) I love you all!


-Emily

Here's an update I received today about my trip :)


"Thank you for your patience! Here is a little more information for you about your upcoming trip to Uganda. Please note that this information is tentative and subject to change.

The team will be ministering in Bugiri, Uganda (about 2 hours east of Kampala). Ministry will be a variety of things including, but not limited to, partnering with the church, community outreach that involve families empowerment, children’s ministry, evangelism, buildng, and hospital ministries. The pastor asked that I stress modesty in your clothing choices, so please stick to the packing list I have posted. Also plan to bring a sleeping bag or bedding."

I'm so excited :)
Only 19 more days till I leave... crazy huh?


-Emily

So over the past month... I just feel like I've been bombarded. When you get busy, it's easy to lose sight of Jesus... and then it's even easier to start letting other peoples views on God affect you. You look out over the world and you see all the little denominations under your basic Christianity. Are they really all the same thing as the claim to be? Some people say this about predestination, others say that. There's a large group of people that believe the world is ending on May 21 of this year (might I add that the leader of this group also predicted the world to end in September of 1994...). Westboro's running around, doing whatever and justifying it with a murky mix of bible verses. I feel through all this... God is lost... whether it be through misinterpretations, or just flat out lies about him.

I guess what it all boils down to is... I know what I know. What I know of God is what I have experienced. All I know is from my relationship with him. So I don't know much... to say the least. I've barely scraped the surface. But the God I know? He probably wouldn't reveal Judgement day for hundreds of thousands to prepare for him... I'd think he'd rather not have the people he created be pushed even farther from him thanks to a family of protestors... and I think he'd rather not have people spend more time debating about free will or predestination than they actually spend with him.

All I know is what I know. I put together a list of some songs that portray who God is/what I know of him/my relationship with him. You don't have to listen to any... but what they say is what I know is true. (Also... you should watch the third video... it's stunning.)




Move me up through the darkest cloud till I've lost in the sun every shadow of doubt. There is no better find than to find myself with you. In a fog you are all I see. I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe. Surrender has somehow become so beautiful.



All of my life... in every season... you are still God. I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.



I see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful.



All my eyes want to see is a glimpse of you. All I need is you.



I'm so unworthy... but still you love me.





-Emily

It has been a month and 10 days since I last posted... and I think that deserves some catching up time. :) So here's what has happened in my life recently...

1. I registered for college (classes included) and changed my major all in one day! For anyone who doesn't know, I'm attending Crown College next fall and as of now my major is Intercultural Studies.


2. Since my last post, my support has raised from 45% to 55%. But more on that later.

3. I went to prom... I know some people like pictures... so here ya go.


4. Everyday, going to Africa is becoming more real. From what was only a dream 4 years ago, to discovering this opportunity, to getting accepted, to receiving my first support donation, to watching my team grow to me and 13 other girls, to discovering who my leaders are... the pieces are slowly coming together :) And while most is still up to my imagination, I can't help but get more excited every day :)


So that's about it! You should expect more frequent posts now... life is definitely BUSY, but I'm going to try to have something up every week, and two more by the end of this week. So yes... blogging is back.


-Emily

It's five in the morning, I haven't slept one minute tonight, I have to get up in two hours and it's also daylight savings time. But what the heck. I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about this:

So over the past week, I was given an assignment for our annual upcoming missions week at my church that is next weekend. I was to choose from a list of world issues and make a station about it to inform people about it. The list was- world hunger, world water crisis, unreached people, AIDS, persecution of Christians, poverty, child soldiers, child sex slavery, and the need for Christ in the US.

Now, if you know me well at all, you can already guess which one I chose. But, for the less informed, I'm making mine on child soldiers. ;)

Part of the assignment is also to make it interactive... so stuff to touch, look at, or listen to. Today, trying to brainstorm some ideas, I turned to some of my close friends. After a few minutes of attempting some ideas, both of the conversations ended with "I just don't know that much about child soldiers I guess."

Instantly I'm transported back to my 10th grade World Geography class. We've started our Africa unit a few weeks ago. Today we're watching a documentary titled, "Invisible Children". It's first hour and I'm sleepy, but I'm ready for a day that a movie will take up the whole class period in. The film starts. After about 2 minutes, I'm sucked into the story of three boys who traveled to Sudan to document the ongoing war but instead discovered the heartbreaking truths in Northern Uganda; the fear of hundreds of thousands of children of being abducted into the Lords Resistance Army and the horrors of the thousands that have been. I sit in my cold desk, my stomach churning and my eyes welling with tears. How had I never heard of this before? I look around the class at my classmates. Some of them are sleeping. A lot of them look bored. Two girls next to me are giggling and passing notes. They're not going to give the people of Uganda a second thought after the next half an hour is over. Anger starts to build up inside of me. How can you watch this and go on with your day the same? How could you not feel compassion for these kids? How much will it take for these people to understand? How can something that tears me up inside not even faze the people 3 feet away from me?

That was the day that inspired me to go to Uganda. The lack of response from my peers sickened me. If I didn't go to love those children, who would?

Ever since, I'm always shocked at the lack of knowledge on this subject. Many people I talk to have never heard of any of this stuff. And the people who have just don't feel the same passion towards it I do (which, as a disclaimer, is totally okay. Everyone's heart breaks for different things. I just can't comprehend not feeling the way about it I do). But today, I learned something.

As I thought back to how I felt that day in class, about the unjustness of the situation in Uganda and the apathy of those around me... I got a taste of how God must feel. How about those days when I don't have an ounce of compassion for those around me at school? "How can you look at that person and go on with your day the same, Emily? Don't you know that they matter? How much will it take for you to understand? I love this person passionately and yet you pass them by. It doesn't even faze you. How could you not feel compassion for them? I look at them and it tears me apart."

Truth is... the people I come in contact with every day are just as important as ex child soldiers, the mother of three who suffers from AIDS, the orphans living in tents in Haiti, the young girls who sell their bodies in India, and the countless people who didn't eat today. So reality check, if you're reading this you matter a lot. And I pray that in some way, I can show you that through my actions.

above: former child soldiers returning home.

-Emily

My musings on a Saturday afternoon... :)

1. Procrastination is a horrible habit.
2. Underwear gets dirty, shirts get dirty, but pants... pants never get dirty.
3. Things going bad? Don't worry, they'll get better.
4. Things going good? Don't worry, it won't last.
5. Being able to laugh at yourself is a good trait.
6. Smiling= Instant makeover.
7. Every person will disappoint you at some point. But you can always count on God.
8. It's better to be rich in heart than rich in material.
9. Worrying is a big fat waste of time.
10. The book is always better than the movie.
11. The only thing you can control is yourself- your actions, your attitudes. So when bad things happen (and they will) remember that your undesirable situation doesn't constitute that you should become an undesirable person to match the state you're in.
12. Try new things, especially if they scare you. Those are the best.
13. Things are awkward only if you make them awkward :)
14. Stargazing is the best past time on a summer night.
15. If things weren't uncertain in life we'd all be bored.






-Emily

"When God gives you a clear determination of His will for you, all your striving to maintain that relationship by some particular method is completely unnecessary. All that is required is to live a natural life of absolute dependence on Jesus Christ."

-Oswald Chambers

Support raising has been a challenge. At times it's difficult to trust that God will provide. It's hard to be solely dependent on him when it comes to money. But I know that he controls all things, and money is a small thing for him.

$4,375 is a daunting number for a high school senior who has the joys of college tuition also on her shoulders. But the good news is that over the past three months, I went from no money toward my trip to 40% funded :) While that still leaves a good chunk left, it's amazing that I've already reached one of my support deadlines that isn't due for another two months.

Thank you everyone who has helped me out so far :) I wouldn't be going to Africa if it wasn't for your support, it means the world :)

If you're interested in supporting me financially you can print out one of my support cards here and send it to the address listed. You can also make donations online through the AIM website (when asked, program is Ambassador). If you have any questions you can contact me :)

Thank you all for everything! And thank you for reading my blog... as intimidating as it seemed at first when I'd get random people coming up to me and telling me that they enjoyed reading it. I'm glad you're interested :).


-Emily

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a worship night. I came into that evening not expecting for God to show up. I didn't even know that the usual schedule for the night was replaced... but by the end of worship I found myself the happiest that I had been in months, dancing without a care in the world.

Spiritual drought is rough. And while I don't totally understand why we go through times where God seems to be distant and silent, I know that it doesn't last forever, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how long it goes on.

Here's what I jotted down after I got home that Wednesday night:


"It's in these moments where I never want to leave.
The only thing in the world that I could fear is being away from him. To lose him from my life, and be separated from him forever. It's the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. And yet I don't even have to fear this... there is no way, no chance that I will ever lose him or be forgotten by him. In my world full of uncertainty... he is the one truth, the only guarantee.
So as I sit here in this moment, surrounded by my to do list, my french book sitting open next to me, scholarship due dates looming ahead and a whole uncertain world of college coming in a matter of months, I am so happy. I have all I need. I never want this feeling to end. I want to sit here forever with him. In nine short hours I will be getting up to start a new day, these feelings fade... but all this means is that I get to look forward to the next time I am filled up with him :)"


If you've ever felt like God's abandoned you, you're not alone. I've been there and so have others. But have hope and have faith. How you feel doesn't change who God is. He will show up when you least expect it. The drought will end and he will come flooding in. Don't give up.



-Emily

This is from a poster hanging up in my room, painted and written by Eric Samuel Timm:

You are one of many yet alone in one kind. Truly unique. I have spoken yet you have not listened. I have forgiven you for your closed ears. Many are your plans, but it is my purpose for your life that will prevail should you choose a higher calling: the calling that I have for you. Do you not want to finish your course? I have groomed your path. Must you walk another way? The road ahead is not easy. You have made a mess of some areas, brought forth obstructions, but know that I am with you. I long to be near you. I cannot force you to have a will near to my own. I fight for your soul. If you only knew of the love I have for you, there would be less options in your mind. There is only one right answer. Do not push me away. My creation, choose to believe. Speak to me. Follow me. Pick up your sword and fight to know me. I am knocking, invite me. Seek after me with all of your heart and every bit of your strength and you will find me. You shall rest in the peace that I have for you. Plans to keep you. Please try. You must fight a good fight. You must keep your faith. Do not fall to deception or trickery. Satan seeks to disable you. He has won some ground but I am claiming you back. A day will come that will bring to your remembrance this. You shall look into my face, a changed creation, one you have not met yet. Green pastures lie ahead, but you must fight through thorns and brush to get there. Please believe my message. I deem you worthy of future success. I stand all around you. Where ever you go I will follow. When I go you shall know. The emptiness you have needs my mercy filling, come to the water my river runs deep.
Believe. Do not Doubt.
Walk Forward.
The war is raging. Rage on.

-Emily

What will it be like, getting off that plane and meeting my team face to face for the first time in the Atlanta airport?

What will it be like, to pray, worship, laugh, and cry with them?

What will it be like setting foot in Africa for the first time?

What will it be like to hold a child diagnosed with AIDS on my lap?

How will you use me?

What will you show me? What will I learn?

How will four weeks change me?

How many stars will light up the sky on a clear night?

Will I end up homesick? Or will I never want to leave?

Will it be everything I've dreamed... or will it be more?





In 143 days... I'll start getting some answers :)



-Emily

"Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof."


I love post secret. Every Sunday afternoon, I go to their blog page and check out the new posts for the week. Some are hopeful, others funny, others artistic, some inappropriate, some sad, and some that you may find yourself relating to. Well anyway, here's one I found this week.


Man, I wish this could be my secret. But regarding my relationship with God, my secret (well not necessarily SECRET, but it's not something I would shout out proudly in a crowded room...) is that I doubt. A lot. I doubt his power, I doubt his love, I doubt my salvation, and yeah, even at times I find myself doubting his existence.

Have you ever read Exodus? I don't know, but if you're anything like me, the Israelites always made me mad. I mean... God showed up for them so many times. He turned the Nile into blood, sent frogs raining from the sky, swarmed Egypt with gnats, flies, and locusts, and caused the Egyptians to be covered in boils and for their livestock to die. He led the Israelites out of Egypt and lit their path with a pillar of fire. He parted the sea and crashed it down onto their enemies. He made water flow out of a rock and bread to fall from the sky. And yet, after everything, their impatience built up so they decided to worship a golden calf.

I never understood it. They're so stupid! How could they possibly have a doubt in their mind after all of that?! How could they even try to replace him?

But you know what I've realized? I'm just like them. How many times has he provided for me? Let me feel his prescence? Answered my prayers? Filled my heart up with so much joy and love that I almost burst? How could I have a doubt in my mind? And how could I try to replace him, with a relationship, with money, with any human success? I kind of have to laugh at myself... the stupid Israelite :)

It's hard when God is silent. I don't understand why he is right now for me, but it won't last forever. I trust his timing. I know I'm not the only one who feels or has felt this way. But for now, I will remember the times he led the way with a pillar of fire, have hope, and have faith. :)



-Emily

Today my school made national news.

Today a principal and vice principal at my school were shot.

Today my vice principal died of her casualties.

Today I felt upset.

Today I felt sick.

Today I was scared.

Today was a wake up call.

Today was a nightmare.

Today was stressful, today was unexpected.

Today made us realize what we don't want to.

Today I will not forget. Sitting and waiting in my classroom for two hours; watching the news. I can't forget walking out of Millard South over to the church parking lot. Looking out over that sea of faces. Classmates. Parents. Police. The eerie silence and the chilly winter air. I think everyone got a rude awakening today.

Today I learned never to take anything for granted. Today I know that I have to realize my life can be puffed out in an instant. There's no time for hate, arguments, grudges, and hoarding past hurts. Why do it? It's no help to you. It only eats you up inside.

Anything can happen, and life is short. So don't spend it in apathy, don't spend it feeling bad for yourself, gosh dangit, just don't waste it. It's beautiful and precious and you have a purpose. Enjoy it!!! Don't spend a day where you're not just grateful and happy to be alive. Don't sit around and wait for something like this to happen to wake you up. Take control of what you can- situations aside- and be the person you've always wanted to be. Life WILL throw you swerves. But you decide your actions. Remember today and let it inspire you. Live the life you're meant to.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -Jesus



-Emily

Recently I came across a devotional I had read in the past. Even though I had already read it, I read it again because it just hits home every time and I love how it portrays God's passion for us. I wanted to share it with all of you and I hope that you would take the time to read it- it is worth it.

SMUDGED-
"That girl’s song resounds in my head and as always I find that it is a reflection of how I feel in my heart. ‘Broken up deep inside. You won’t get to see the tears I cried.’ God I feel so – so torn. So absolutely, positively torn. I don’t know why You put me in his life but I know You did and I see it serving its purpose each day.

It hurts God. It hurts to see him pursue another, more pretty. I don’t even envy her. I know You made me beautiful and wonderful and very unique. I don’t know. I guess it hurts that no one sees that. That I am seeing it in myself, but nobody else does, or if they do then, well, they’re girls.

It hurts Father to see him pursue another when I feel as though I was the one who was there. But I always chose to make myself not seen. I worked in mysterious ways, moving the hearts of others to go talk to him when he was hurting. I didn’t care that he didn’t turn to me, though it hurt. What mattered more was that he hurt. And I was going to do whatever it took to get him to feel better. So if he wouldn’t talk to me then he’d talk to another. And he’d feel better and draw closer to that girl until he realized that she wasn’t the right fit. So he turned to another.

And there he is, pursuing girl after girl when he doesn’t realize that I can fit his need. That I have been the eye that saw him, that cared for him. That brought him to you in my intercession. Ever-interceding on his behalf. ‘Father, he just can’t see right now. He hasn’t totally rejected me yet, Father. Give him one more chance. He’s made the mistake to see me as just a casual friend but not as we are meant to be. I yearn for that deeper relationship, sure. But if all he sees me as is just a smudge, a faint reminder, then at least I’m present. At least I’m noticed.’ But I yearn for more.

And now I see how You feel. I get, Jesus, what You mean. Jesus, I know it hurts to see me pursue another when You were the One who was there. But You always chose to make Yourself not seen. You worked in mysterious ways, moving the hearts of others to go and talk to me when I was hurting. You didn’t care that I didn’t turn to You, though it hurt. What mattered more was that I hurt. And You were going to do whatever it took to get me to feel better. So if I wouldn’t talk to You, I’d talk to another. And I’d feel better and draw closer to that person until I realized he wasn’t the right fit. So I’d turned to another.

And here I am pursuing person after person when I don’t realize that only You can fit my need. That you have been the eye that saw me and cared for me. That You, Jesus, brought me to the Father in Your intercession. Ever-interceding on my behalf. ‘ “Father, she just doesn’t see Me right now. She hasn’t totally rejected Me yet, Father. Give her one more chance. She’s made the mistake of seeing Me just as a casual friend, but not as we were meant to be. I yearn for that deeper relationship, sure. But if all she sees Me as is just a smudge, a faint reminder, then at least I’m present. At least I’m noticed.” But I yearn for more.’

So what do I do Father? What choice do I make? Do I continue to smudge You, make You less and less distinct until You are so faded that I forget You’re there? Or do I choose to write a new chapter, this time in pen. And not blur the promise I’m making with You but keep it distinct, intact, TRUE! The choice is mine to make. I alone can make it. But should I do so, I will not be alone – no, I will never be alone.”

-Alisha Philip

I am not perfect. I have rejected him more times than I have accepted him. I've ignored him for weeks at a time. I've chosen others over him. I've ran to others first. I've stood by while people talk down on him and never said a word. I've searched for what I can only find in him in people who could never come close. I've let him down. The ways I have hurt him are endless. And guess what? At some point, I will do ALL of these things again.

But no matter the cost, the pain I cause him, his feelings for me don't change. His love IS enough to fill my need.



-Emily